We've come reborn in to this new day and age where we finally notice opportunities waking up all around us! What to do? ACT ON THEM! What not to do? Feel bad for the choices we've previously made that we think might not work out for us now.
It's been a very tedious slow uphill climb....
But it's what I've been doing for years! Job after job, even feeling mistreated at times wondering why I bother- just to get enough money to keep doing what I love! I never gave up because frankly, it was all I ever knew. It was the heaven on earth to me. Even through my worst times, I could actually express emotional and sometimes confused pain - through melody.
The odds most of the time never looked good for me and I began feeling resentful of anyone who was closer to success than me. Maybe they were focused on the exciting things to come, no matter what they were. The hidden or unseen possibilities. Me? I was focused on just getting noticed by anyone who cared, making sure they'd stick around to give me any sense of worth. I wanted to evolve but it was ME holding myself back. Honestly, I knew I would never actually be good enough, simply based on my LIMITING beliefs.
My eyes saw-and what I saw met with deep embedded doubts. Those doubts fed on it's own energy which mixed with age old anger, rage, depression, defeat, unworthiness, stupidity, and of course, mental illness in my DNA (unproven, of course).
Through that thick massive lens of psychedelic insanity, I was able to process it all and see it exactly for what it was....that psychedelic insanity within my own treasured dreamworld.
And I thought that would actually MAKE me be a better artist. But I was MISERABLE!!!! Seriously, I don't envy heroes passed.....oooh, think I'll have to make a song out of that.
At this point, I've had enough torture. I had enough back in October 2013 after a major Facebook meltdown. Those who were there, I think they remember.
I'd like to also bring up that Alan Haber of Pure Pop Radio...(sigh)...he was my opportunity to cut the years of this burdon from my energy body. I worked hours on my part of this interview but it was Alan who allowed me to. It was the interview to end all other interviews. I'd never talk about the person I used to be ever again...well, that was my intention. I was ready to evolve. To evolve the way I should have evolved long ago.
I am here to serve! Yes, that's what I thought I'd been doing all these years, but it was not in any state of flow. What were my reasons of serving? To make others feel sorry for me and tell me everything I was doing was for a reason? Was it to prove to the bullies in my school that I really was worthy of love? Why do they get everything and I get bullied? Wait....why are they bullying me in the first place? We were each others best teachers! They needed me just as much as I needed them. Still....I only knew to carry it with me through every situation in adulthood.
Sorry psychologists-you were amazing, but we've even evolved there! Trying to pick apart each tiny piece of every moment....and remember, we only remember the last time we remember things, and try to "explpore" it so we can "work it out". What a long ongoing process. But at the time, I think it was all my brain could handle. And so I kept slowly chipping away at my defectiveness.
And now that I've reached the part where I know I don't need to go any further in to, at least not at this time, I can remember where I'm at now! Much more smarter, awake, aware and able! The best part is that I'm not doing any of this alone!
It seems that having "a fight" at all, brings change. There is no fight. Just the lesson. I got the lesson...my old self thinks they got it too late. My awakened finds that it's all simply beautiful and no matter where I "jump" from, it's going to work out in the end. The Universe has my back because I believe in what I do! (amen).
And so as I get back what "I think" (remember-psychedelic insanity) I may have given away long ago, I remember that I CAN make ANYTHING work, no matter where I stand! I CAN choose to stop "being" in an energy of feeling despair. "Being" in an energy of feeling conquered. "Being" in the energy of feeling trapped, panicked or defeated. It's NOW that I have to work with. It's NOW that I have the lessons I've learned to simply ....jump.
If jumping is a game then....game on.
Photo: Taken by Tom Richards. I have no clue who touched it up, but I really appreciate finding it on the internet. THANK YOU!
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